Capítulo 5

“Todos los días de mi vida”. Ojalá León fuese como el protagonista de esa película. Un hombre atento que no descuida a su mujer incluso cuando ella se ha olvidado de él. Pensaba en León mientras Fabio y yo veíamos la película a solas, bajo una manta azul aterciopelada. Nunca la había visto y Fabio me aseguró que verla en su idioma original era la mejor forma de meterse en la trama. No se equivocó. Era tan inmensa la emoción que transmitía que, queriendo o sin querer, nuestras manos se encontraron bajo la manta. No la aparté bruscamente, aunque admito que por un momento me sentí muy incómoda. Creo que Fabio lo intuía, y por eso decidió agarrármela con fuerza. Entonces le miré, y al ver que él también lo hacía aparté la vista. Esperaba que él no confundiese la situación. Yo me sentía vulnerable, y la emotividad de la película (quizá escogida así a propósito) tocaba mi fibra más sensible. Por eso no rechacé su mano. Su calor.
Terminó la película y un silencio incómodo se adueñó de aquellas cuatro paredes. Fabio siempre tenía algo que decir, así que fue él quien rompió el hielo.

-¿Qué te pasa Violeta? Tienes una mirada muy triste hoy.

No sabía que se me notara tanto. Tenía muchas ganas de que Fabio se marchase,  correr a por mi móvil y llamar a León, insistir hasta oír su voz y preguntarle cuánto me quería, esperando que sus palabras me hiciesen sentir como la protagonista del drama romántico que acababa de ver.

+Estoy bien, solo es que…

No era capaz de mantenerle la mirada. Al agachar la cabeza,  vi en mi mano la esclava que me regaló León antes de irme a Barcelona. “Siempre juntos”.

-Es por ese novio tuyo ¿verdad? ¿Habéis discutido?

Fabio no sabía nada de mi relación con León. Cuando nos conocimos tanto que preveía sus intenciones conmigo, le dije que tenía novio, pero nunca surgió el tema como para contarle los detalles.
Le miré tímidamente y la transparencia que reflejaban sus ojos me animó a contarle nuestra última discusión. Bueno, en realidad su propio enfado, en el que yo no tenía nada que ver. O eso creía.

-¿Llevas aguantando esto un año?
+Un año y dos meses. Pero antes no era así,  esto ha empezado el pasado verano.
-Violeta, ¿tú le quieres?

Me sorprendió esa pregunta. ¡Pues claro que le quería!  Le amaba. Tanto que dolía.

+Si no le quisiera, como tú dices, ¿crees que estaría aun aguantando estas tonterías?

Se acercó más a mi.
-Mira, tómate esto como un consejo o no me hagas caso, pero escucha. Tú vales más que él,  eres dulce, amable, cariñosa, eres como una niña pequeña a la que hay que cuidar, pero tienes la madurez de una chica de tu edad. Eres todo lo que un chico de su edad puede soñar. Tú estás en Barcelona estudiando,  tienes mil y una oportunidades para elegir tu camino, cientos de chicos que te miran cuando pasas y tú ni siquiera lo notas. Te limitas a encerrarte en tu mundo creyendo que si sales de esos límites todo va a ir mal, pero no va a ser así. Y yo estoy aquí para ayudarte a abrir los ojos. Me encantaría hacerlo si me dejas…

En ese momento dudaba entre si ese discurso era fruto de su labia (algo que yo detestaba) o si realmente estaba siendo sincero. De ser así,  yo le importaba mucho,  y eso me conmovió. No podía quitarle la razón que tenía,  pero una cosa no quita la otra, y mi corazón solo latía por León.

+Tú lo ves todo muy fácil,  pero no sabes lo que es querer a alguien y no importarte la distancia, los celos, los insultos. Sé que tienes razón pero no voy a dejar de quererle de la noche a la mañana.
-Por eso te digo que te puedo ayudar. Tiempo al tiempo.

No conseguía entender cómo iba a ayudarme. ¿Acaso existe algun tipo de ayuda para dejar de querer?
Entonces volvió a agarrarme de la mano. Yo no alcé la vista, solo sentía y observaba cómo con la otra mano iba haciéndome caricias en mi muslo derecho. Me ardían las mejillas y otra vez, por la emoción que me hacía sentir, las lágrimas luchaban por no salir de mis ojos. Dejé que se tumbara apoyando su cabeza entre mis piernas y, sin saber que hacer,  sintiéndome una inútil con las manos a los lados, comencé a enredar mis dedos en su pelo rizado y moreno. Él seguía acariciándome, y casi inconscientemente pasó una hora en la que ninguno quiso decir nada por miedo a estropear aquella sensación.
Ya notaba cómo se me entumecían las piernas, así que me incorporé para cambiar de postura.
Fabio hizo lo mismo. Se sentó e, inesperadamente, me abrazó. Lo acepté encantada y, al separarnos, nuestros ojos se encontraron. Pude apreciar pequeñas gotas de sudor en su frente. Se quitó el jersey azul de lana que llevaba y al hacerlo dejó entrever su torso trabajado en el gimnasio. Me pilló mirando y enrojecí tanto que exploté con una risa nerviosa.

-Me encanta tu sonrisa.
+Gracias, es que no sé qué me pasa, no sé qué quieres hacer ahora…¿Te apetece estudiar?

Rodeó mi cintura con sus brazos y me sentó en sus piernas. La fuerza que tenía y lo frágil que me hacía sentir me fatigaron, mi respiración se entrecortó y sentía un cosquilleo en la tripa. ¿Por qué? Era muy tentativo pero…

-Lo que me apetece es besarte. Y mucho.

Lo sabía. Y peor aún,  sabía que yo también quería hacerlo. Tenerle a medio centímetro de mi y no apartar nuestras miradas el uno del otro me arrastraba a hacerlo,  pero en mi mente solo existía el pensamiento de la culpabilidad que sentiría si aquello pasaba. León…

Fabio se acercó más;  todo lo que podía avanzar, lo hizo. Repasó el contorno de mis labios con su dedo índice, teletransportándome a un paraíso cálido, sin culpa, sin reproches, donde reinaba la paz y el delicioso silencio de dos jóvenes con ganas de sentir, de gritar y liberarse.

+Fabio, no puedo…
-Sé que quieres tanto como yo. Si no lo haces nunca sabrás qué sientes. Vamos…

Joder. De verdad lo deseaba. Cerré los ojos y pensé en dejarme llevar, en disfrutar un poquito más del tacto de sus dedos dibujando en mi rostro. Me concentré tanto que no distinguí el momento en el que sus manos llegaron a mi cuerpo, una de ellas se enredaba entre mis rizos y con la otra amagaba buscar bajo mi pantalón de pijama. Entonces pensé que si me sentía tan cómoda con él como para estar en pijama y sentada sobre sus piernas, quizá no fuese mala idea dejarse llevar. Como si me leyese el pensamiento, Fabio dirigió mi cabeza con su mano hacia él. Yo seguía con los ojos cerrados, no quería abrirlos, de verdad que no quería…

Pero lo hice. Y sus labios y los míos ya estaban juntos, rozándose, inhalando cada uno la respiración del otro en un instante eterno. Él, para mi sorpresa, esperó a que fuese yo quien firmara ese beso. Y cuando estaba a punto…

+Bff

Apoyé mi cabeza en su pecho.

+No puedo Fabio. No puedo, de verdad.

Él acarició mi pelo y susurró:
-Tranquila,  te esperaré.
+¿A qué vas a esperar? Sabes que no soy capaz de dejar a León.
-Ahora León no está aquí,  yo sí. Tiempo al tiempo.

No quise seguir con aquel tema. Supongo que me agarré a tener esa ilusión. Un chico precioso me esperaría,  estaría a mi lado mientras yo sufría por otro, por el que realmente amaba. Disfrutar de su compañía y atenciones sería una especie de sustituyente durante el curso…

Desde entonces, cada día que pasamos juntos me hacía sentir más especial. Más yo. Fueron varias las tardes que compartimos estudiando, viendo películas y conociéndonos a fondo. Fabio siempre sabía cómo hacer de esa rutina algo diferente, aunque parezca contradictorio. Vivíamos ventana frente a ventana, él con su hermana y yo con mis compañeros. Pero aquellos dos meses se podría decir que mi habitación se convirtió en nuestro hogar preferido. El recuerdo que más aprecio de aquel chico fue el ver cómo me hacía más fuerte y la confianza en mi misma crecía. Ya no me afectaban tanto las peleas con León, incluso empezaba a ignorarlo.

Chapter five

“The Vow”. I wish Leon was like the protagonist of that movie. An attentive man who doesn’t neglect his wife even when she has forgotten him. I thought of Leon while Fabio and I watched the movie alone, under a velvety blue blanket. I had never seen it and Fabio assured me that seeing it in its original language was the best way to get into the plot. He wasn’t wrong. The emotion was so immense that, willingly or unwillingly, our hands met under the blanket. I didn’t push it away, although I admit that for a moment I felt very uncomfortable. I think Fabio sensed it, and that’s why he decided to hold on tightly. Then I looked at him, and seeing that he did too, I looked away. I hoped he wouldn’t confuse the situation. I felt vulnerable, and the emotionality of the film (maybe chosen that way on purpose) touched my most sensitive fiber. That’s why I didn’t reject his hand. His heat.

The film ended and an uncomfortable silence took over those four walls. Fabio always had something to say, so he was who broke the ice.

-What’s wrong Violeta? You have a very sad look today.

I didn’t know that it noticed so much. I really wanted Fabio to leave, run for my cell phone and call Leon, insist until I heard his voice and ask how much he loved me, hoping that his words would make me feel like the protagonist of the romantic drama that I had just seen.

+ I’m fine, it’s just that …

I wasn’t able to keep my eyes on him. When I bowed my head, I saw in my hand the bracalet Leon gave me before I went to Barcelona. “Always together”.

-It’s because of that boyfriend, right? Have you discussed?

Fabio didn’t know anything about my relationship with Leon. When we met so much that I anticipated his intentions with me, I told him I had a boyfriend, but the subject never came up to tell him the details.

I looked at him timidly and the transparency that reflected his eyes encouraged me to tell him our last discussion. Well, actually his own anger, in which I had nothing to do. Or so I thought.

– You’ve been holding this for a year?

+ One year and two months. But before it wasn’t like that, this has started last summer.

-Violeta, do you love him?

I was surprised by that question. Of course I loved him! I loved him so much that it hurt.

+ If I didn’t love him, as you say, do you think I would still be holding this nonsense?

He came closer to me.

-Look, take this as a advise or don’t take care, but listen. You are worth more than him, you are sweet, kind, affectionate, you are like a little girl to be cared for, but you have the maturity of a girl of your age. You are everything a boy of his age can dream of. You are in Barcelona studying, you have a thousand and one opportunities to choose your path, hundreds of boys who look at you when you pass and you don’t even notice it. You limit yourself to shutting yourself up in your world believing that if you leave those limits everything will go wrong, but it will not be like that. And I’m here to help you open your eyes. I’d love to do it if you let me …

At that time I doubted whether this speech was the fruit of his glibness (something I detested) or if he was really being honest. If so, I mind him a lot, and that moved me. I couln’t take away the reason he had, but one thing doesn’t take away the other, and my heart was only beating for Leon.

+ You see everything very easy, but you don’t know what it is to love someone and not care about distance, jealousy, insults. I know you’re right but I’m not going to stop loving him overnight.

-That’s why I tell you that I can help you. Time to time.

I couldn’t understand how he was going to help me. Is there any kind of help to stop loving?

Then he grabbed my hand again. I didn’t look up, I just felt and watched how with the other hand he caressing me on my right thigh. My cheeks burned and again, because of the emotion that he made me feel, tears were struggling not to leave my eyes. I let him lie down leaning his head between my legs and, not knowing what to do, feeling useless with my hands at my sides, I began to entangle my fingers in his curly, dark hair. He still caressed me, and almost unconsciously we spent an hour in which no one wanted to say anything for fear of spoiling that feeling.

I could already feel my legs becoming numb, so I sat up to change my posture.

Fabio did the same. He sat down and, unexpectedly, hugged me. I accepted it enchanted and, when we parted, our eyes met. I could see small drops of sweat on his forehead. He took off his blue woolen sweater that he wore and in doing so he let see his body worked in the gym. He caught me looking and I blushed so much that I exploded with a nervous laugh.

-I love your smile.

+ Thanks, I don’t know what is happening to me, I don’t know what you want to do now … Do you want to study?

He wrapped his arms around my waist and seated me on his legs. The strenght he had and the fragility that made me feel fatigued me, my breathing stopped and I felt a tingling in my gut. Why? It was very tentative but …

-What I want is to kiss you. And a lot.

I knew it. And worse, I knew that I wanted to do it too. Having him half a centimeter from me and not taking our eyes away from each other dragged me to do it, but in my mind there was only the thought of the guilt I would feel if that happened. Leon…

Fabio came closer; everything that could move forward, he did. He reviewed the outline of my lips with his forefinger, teleporting me to a warm paradise, without fault, without reproaches, where peace reigned and the delicious silence of two youngs wanting to feel, to scream and free themselves.

+ Fabio, I can’t …

-I know you want it as much as I do. If you don’t do it you will never know what you feel. Come on…

Fuck. I really wanted it. I closed my eyes and thought to let myself go, to enjoy a little more of the touch of his fingers drawing on my face. I concentrated so much that I couldn’t distinguish the moment in which his hands reached my body, one of them got tangled in my curls and with the other he tried to look under my pajama. Then I thought that if I felt so comfortable with him as to be in pajama and sitting on his legs, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to let go. As if he was reading my mind, Fabio directed my head with his hand towards him. I kept my eyes closed, I didn’t want to open them, I really didn’t want to …

But I did it. And his lips and mine were already together, rubbing each other, inhaling each other’s breath in an eternal instant. He, to my surprise, waited for me to sign the kiss. And when I was about …

+ Bff

I leaned my head on his chest.

+ I can’t Fabio. I can’t, really.

He stroked my hair and whispered:

-Quiet, I’ll wait for you.

+ What are you going to wait for? You know I’m not able to leave Leon.

– Now Leon is not here, I am. Time to time.

I didn’t want to continue with that topic. I guess I caught on to have that illusion. A precious boy would wait for me, he would be by my side while I suffered for another, for the one I really loved. Enjoy his company and attention would be a kind of substituent during the course …

Since then, every day we spent together made me feel more special. More me. There were several afternoons that we shared studying, watching movies and getting to know each other thoroughly. Fabio always knew how to make that routine something different, even if it seems contradictory. We lived window in front of window, he with his sister and I with my companions. But those two months could be said that my room became our favorite home. The memory that I appreciate most about that boy was to see how he made me stronger and the confidence in myself grew. I was no longer affected by the fights with Leon, I even began to ignore him.

I valued Fabio very much, but maybe I didn’t know how to prove it. I could see it in his eyes every time I told him about my problems with Leon.

-Violeta, I’m going to ask you a favor …

+ Of course, tell me.

-I have two months behind you, taking care of you, accompanying you in everything, and even so I see that you will not forget Leon. What bothers me about all this is that you tell me about your problems, why precisely me? I don’t think you even see how it hurts me to tell you how he treats you by having me, that I’m just the opposite.

He was so right … Even though I knew of his pain, I always did the same thing again. Every time Leon played me, Fabio was the first person I used to vent. As if he was just a handkerchief in which to dry my tears. It wasn’t my intention to make him feel that way, but then I understood that what was between us was a pretty friendship with a certain sexual tension, and it wasn’t fair for either of us to continue with something that sooner or later would be no more than a mistake.

-I’m sorry Fabio, but I told you. I still love Leon, with you I am super good, and I wish with all my strength I have known you in other circumstances …

+ I don’t understand you… Whatever. It’s not about deepening your wound, but I know you’re going to have a hard time following with that boy. And I won’t be here to comfort you, not because I don’t want to, but because it will be late, and I am also a young boy Violeta, you can’t expect me to always wait to see what you do to continue with my life.

Those words hurt me a lot, so much that I got angry. With him for insinuating that whatever it was that we had was over. With myself because, even though I knew he was right, I coultn’t give it to him. I wasn’t going to go after him. Even if it was me who had been wrong. Was not he the one who wanted something with me? I used to sleep every night wondering what my life would be like with him. Fabio had become the protagonist of my dreams, the person I wanted to see every morning waiting for me to make my day happy, in my confidante. But it was just that. And to feel that the next day wouldn’t be like that, I panicked. I really felt like I was drowning in a shipwreck and someone was taking away my only life jacket.

I asked him to leave. He didn’t want to do it because he knew me so well that knew I would collapse when he closed the door. He sat next to me and tried to kiss me one more time.

And once again I denied it. I used to do it because it came out on my own, but this time I did it because of my damn pride. The reality is that that was the only time I would have kissed him. God knows that.

JGA
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